Why doesn’t my child communicate with me? 4 possible reasons

Daniel Wong is a learning and teen expert, and is also the best-selling author of “The Happy Student”. He offers 1-to-1 programmes to help students attain exam excellence while also finding happiness and fulfillment, and to empower parents to motivate their unmotivated teenagers. Download his FREE e-book, “16 Keys To Motivating Your Teenager”. The views expressed are his own.

Isn’t it confusing?

You try to be a good parent—a great parent, even.

You work hard to provide for your kids. You wake up early to make breakfast for them. You’ve practically given up your social life and hobbies to spend more time with them.

But your kids don’t seem to appreciate it.

They’re sometimes rebellious, sometimes disobedient, and oftentimes distant and disengaged. They don’t communicate much with you. And when they do, it’s in one-word sentences.

They spend most of their time in school and hanging out with their friends. They treat the home as if it’s a hotel—just a place to eat and sleep.

You don’t think your relationship with your kids is dysfunctional, but you’re concerned.

“How did things become like this?” you wonder.

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 15,000 teenagers, so rest assured that you’re not alone. My clients frequently share with me that they don’t communicate well with their parents.

In this article, I’ll share with you four possible reasons why your child is behaving this way, and what you can do about it.

The four reasons might not all apply to your situation. But even if they do, please don’t feel as if you’re a terrible parent. Children are going through a lot of changes physically, emotionally and mentally, so it’s not always easy to connect with them.

But when you understand how your child feels, you’ll be able to build an even stronger relationship with him or her.

Here are the four possible reasons, and the action steps you can take:

1. Your child feels like you don’t listen to him or her

When children share their problems and frustrations, parents often criticise or provide unsolicited advice. This makes the children feel judged. If this happens frequently enough, they will stop sharing what’s on their heart.

So unless your child (especially if he or she is a teenager) specifically asks for advice, refrain from dispensing it. Teenagers need support and empathy, not someone to tell them what to do. After all, in just a few years, they’ll be adults who will need to make wise decisions on their own.

I encourage you to listen to your child. Really listen. No interrupting, no criticism, no providing a solution, no making assumptions, no jumping to conclusions.

When your child is done sharing, try saying something like this: “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time. What can I do to support you?”

If you adopt this approach, your child will become more open and honest with you.

2. Your child feels “unsafe”

I’m not referring to physical safety; I’m referring to emotional safety.

Parents confess to me that nagging is their only weapon to try and get their children to comply.

“Clear your room.”

“Do your homework.”

“Stop playing with your phone.”

“Don’t come home too late.”

“Sleep early.”

“Be on time for school.”

Sound familiar?

But every time I ask parents if the nagging is effective, they tell me it isn’t.

When children feel as if they could be nagged or criticised at any time, they begin to view the home as an unsafe and unpleasant place.

And who wants to spend time somewhere that’s unsafe and unpleasant?

Instead of nagging, define boundaries and consequences for your child, and stick to them. If you feel like you simply can’t not nag, then designate one hour each day as “no nagging” time. For example, this could be the first hour after your child wakes up, or during dinner.

This will create a safer home environment, and will facilitate meaningful communication.

3. Your child wonders if you and your spouse love each other

I’ve worked with many, many teenagers whose parents don’t have healthy marriages. It saddens me. The constant tension at home causes these children to feel insecure and afraid. No surprise that they avoid spending time at home.

One key thing I’ve learned through my work is this:

Children would rather know that their parents love each other, than that their parents love them.

Read that sentence again slowly, and let it sink in.

If your marriage isn’t doing well, I urge you to read marriage books, find resources online, or get help from a marriage counsellor. Please do something.

In the same way that it takes intense effort to build a career or a business, it takes hard work to build a strong marriage. (I’m married too, so I know it isn’t easy!) But for the sake of our well-being, and our children’s too, let’s work on our marriage, every single day.

4. Your child doesn’t feel like he or she is loved unconditionally

Do you love your child unconditionally? Silly question—of course you do.

But does your child feel that he or she is loved unconditionally? That’s a more difficult question to answer.

Almost all the teenagers I’ve worked with have told me that they feel more loved when they perform better in school. When they get good grades, their parents show them affection, lavish them with praise, and give them gifts.

These children get little of these things when they perform badly. As such, they feel the need to earn their parents’ acceptance and love. At the same time, they distance themselves from their parents, because they feel like they’re never good enough. To find the acceptance they crave, they might spend all their time with their friends, or might even join a gang.

So I encourage you to show your child that you don’t just care about the outcome. Show him or her that you care about the process. You care that he or she is developing and improving, much more than you care about exam results.

Whenever you observe your child’s good behaviour or attitude, acknowledge it. Let your child know that you’re proud of him or her, and that your love is unchanging and unconditional.

The bottom line

As you might expect, children who have a healthy relationship with their parents are more likely to become well-adjusted adults.

You have a huge part to play in your child’s success, so stay calm and committed amidst the turmoil of the growing up years.

It will all be worth it!