Can privilege guilt take a mental toll on you this holiday season?

By LIANI MK

EVERY December, 28-year-old Kelly Anissa Affandey anticipates a proud family tradition: an entire day with her family adorning the Christmas tree. But this year, she describes the atmosphere as "sombre".

"After losing my grandmother a few months ago, and then seeing the atrocities in Palestine, all I feel this festive season is grief and sadness," she said. "It's hard to find joy in moments like this."

Kelly is not alone. Indeed, this year-end festive season feels particularly muted for many, given the backdrop of global turmoil, economic challenges and wars.

To make matters worse, distressing news on social media has not only heightened awareness of others' suffering but has also taken a toll on our mental well-being — what some have termed "privilege guilt" for those not directly affected.

Navigating the emotional minefield

Clinical psychologist Farah Azlin notes that it is important to first understand why this feeling of guilt emerges, especially during the holidays.

"Guilt is an emotion in which we have this conscience. In a way, it's our moral sense," she said, adding that it can be triggered by an external source, such as from our "behaviour or something that happens in the world that makes us feel bad or feel like something is wrong."

Farah also highlighted how guilt intensifies during celebratory periods, causing feelings of shame over having opportunities others might lack.

Licensed counsellor Soon Siew Teng adds that guilt and shame can also lead to withholding happiness.

"They tend to doubt or judge themselves, which causes them to feel anxious and worry about the privileges they receive. They are unable to give themselves permission to do what they truly love and enjoy," she said, adding that this leads to a state of survival, rather than living in the present.

Survival is a state of being that resonates with 36-year-old Sharol, who lost her father to cancer a few months before Deepavali.

"We faced many 'firsts' without my father, like our first Deepavali and my birthday. (It will soon be) our first Christmas and first new year (without him)," she says, admitting that she feels the pressure to move on in the face of expectations.

"Hearing people go, 'It's been a few months, why are you still so moody, lighten up, just do simple celebrations lah', feels like a sucker punch to the guts."

Sharol added that while it helps to distract from what she is feeling, she has had to steer clear of social media as it has become overwhelming.

"The smallest things are triggering, making me sad, and I go into this zone and just stay there, not doing anything much," she said.

Kelly experienced a similar conundrum.

"Social media has definitely made things worse, especially when you see content of people dying and suffering," Kelly said, adding that this has piled on the guilt of celebrating what would have otherwise been a festive season.

Coping with guilt

Psychologist Farah Azlin says that while it is good to stay informed of news that can spur us to action, it is also important to keep tabs on the amount of consumption within a day.

Hence, she recommends self-care and focusing on connecting with family members and friends, rather than disconnecting and self-isolating completely. This, she says, can encourage a sense of gratitude and being present. At the same time, it fosters empathy and compassion.

"It's natural for you to feel guilty for (feeling) helpless. It's a sign that your heart is having that sense of love, that sense of caring towards others," said Farah. "So make use of that. Underneath that guilt, underneath that helplessness, is a beautiful value of loving, of caring, of wanting to help, wanting to do good."

To navigate this feeling, counsellor Soon Siew Teng also suggests balance and striving to understand one's emotions better.

"We tend to push too much responsibility and shackles on ourselves, which makes us forget to listen to our feelings and emotions."

It's important, she adds, that these feelings not be suppressed.

"Learning to regulate bad feelings and emotions can be beneficial to your overall mental health and well-being. Knowing when to utilise the guilt and turn the guilt into gratitude by being grounded and showing empathy helps regulate the overwhelmed emotion."

Holding each other up

Community support and mental health awareness campaigns also play a valuable part in managing these feelings.

For instance, having encouraging friends and a supportive workplace to check in has lifted Sharol's spirits. This support led her to dedicate time to her passion for art, and even initiate art "jam sessions" at local cafes.

"My mental health hasn't been great, and I wanted to share how I try coping with everyone else. So, I got permission from my management to do this in conjunction with World Mental Health Day in October, and it was a huge success," she said.

Ultimately, however, when these emotions get overwhelming to navigate, both Siew Teng and Farah recommend getting professional help from a psychologist or counsellor.

"Sometimes you need to have a discussion with a professional to unpack and process the emotions you're going through," explains Farah. "Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It (means) that you want to be better and you want to make a difference given this privilege guilt is something that you strongly (feel).

"And it's okay to feel that way. It's a sign that your heart is sound, it is a sign that you care," she added. "Make use of the virtues that you uphold, deep in your heart, deep in your soul.

“That's where you make changes and make the world a better place."

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