Is it OK to cut a friend off if you hate her partner?

·Lifestyle Contributor
·4-min read
Two friends sharing laughter. (PHOTO: Getty Images)
Two friends sharing laughter. (PHOTO: Getty Images)

Welcome to A Millennial's Dating Diary series, where we explore real-life interactions and the hurdles of dating in Southeast Asia. The series will feature the dating stories and misadventures of Arika – a 26-year-old, straight female marketing manager with a penchant for over drinking — and fellow millennials.

It's a well-known fact of life that you should never tell your friends when you dislike the person they're dating — it's just manners.

In this instance, though, I'm not holding back when I say I absolutely hate my friend, *Clara's partner, *Matt.

Before you dismiss me as being petty, their relationship is toxic beyond belief. In the time they've been together (less than a year), I'm fairly certain they've spent more time fighting than enjoying their relationship. Still, my gorgeous friend, Clara, seems determined to be with him.

While I absolutely love Clara, and I generally support her life choices, it can be exhausting to watch her go through relationship problems time and time again.

The worst part? She's voluntarily putting herself through the wringer — which makes it even harder to want to continue supporting her.

The last straw for me came when she moved into my place after Matt and she decided to end things — or at least, I thought so.

In the one week she's been staying at mine after their break up, the two have been in contact, checking to see how the other has been doing.

At the end of the day, my eagerness to help and be a supportive friend just isn't paying dividends. Instead, it's starting to do my head in.

A couple enjoying a meal at a restaurant. (PHOTO: Getty Images)
A couple enjoying a meal at a restaurant. (PHOTO: Getty Images)

Two weeks after their break-up, they met to talk through their issues. Following their talk, they decided to try and work things out (while Clara continues to stay at mine) but take things slowly.

For Matt, Clara's dominating personality is a far cry from the type of woman he had envisioned for himself. But, on the other hand, Matt's wishy-washy personality and inability to compromise has consistently left Clara doubting herself and her position in his life.

As Clara's friends, what's troubling for all of us is that it's starting to become tiresome being there for her when it's clear she's not really interested in listening to what we have to say.

Additionally, we've also observed that she leans on us mostly when she's facing relationship issues.

I love Clara, but most of the time, when we meet, most of what we're discussing revolves around their relationship and why it isn't working. It just isn't about quality time anymore.

More importantly, it doesn't seem like Clara wants to do anything to change her situation actively.

This begs the question, is it OK to cut a friend off if I hate their partner, and their relationship problems are taking too much precious real estate in my mind?

In the past few days, since they've agreed to work on things and take things slow, I kept wondering if it would be mean to cut Clara off for going against the one thing I told her not to do. To me, staying out of contact with him for about two weeks was the least she could do since she's staying at mine rent-free for now.

A part of me later wondered if I was a terrible friend for thinking these thoughts.

Portrait of three young people sitting together at a cafe. Group of young friends meeting in a coffee shop.
A group of friends meeting in a coffee shop. (PHOTO: Getty Images)

"Sometimes, people don't actually need saving. Sometimes, they just want to rant and get it out of their system so they can go home and continue putting up with their partners," says my friend *Chris when I told her about the situation. "It's really tiring to see a friend go through, but you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved," she continued.

Chris is right.

It might bother me that Clara wants to continue dating Matt, but he is her burden to bear at the end of the day. And, perhaps she needs to go through these moments to learn that he isn't right for her eventually.

At the end of the day, my eagerness to help and be a supportive friend just isn't paying dividends. Instead, it's starting to do my head in.

I've learned then that as important as it was for Clara to cut all contact with Matt, it's essential that I, too, detach myself from the situation.

To that question about cutting Clara off, I've decided it might not even actually be necessary if I'm detaching myself from the situation. So I'm content with allowing her to make her own mistakes, and there's nothing I can actually do if she's not looking to better the situation herself.

Yahoo Dating
Yahoo Dating
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