'Hard truths told in a gentle way': how life story books help adopted children
Baby Charlie* was unable to live with his birth family, but they were determined that he would know where he came from. Although it was sometimes painful, Charlie’s birth mother and his maternal birth grandparents all spent time sharing memories and anecdotes, and explaining what happened in their own words.
Charlie’s mum also pointed out where his cot used to be (the glow in the dark stars were still visible on the ceiling) and his scan picture on the fridge, allowing me to take photos that his adopters can show him when he is older. The family shared many photos and a video.
Charlie’s grandmother said: “It’s going to be a long time until we get a chance to see and talk to him as an adult, and so much better for him to read about us and feel secure about his origins and how much he was loved and cherished.”
Growing up, most people’s narratives and identity are shaped by those around them, who carry their histories and their memories. Their parents might remember the first thing the midwife said when they were born. Older siblings might recall their first words or the fall that explains the scar still there on their top lip.
Related: I wasn't told why I was taken into care. For years I thought it was my fault
Yet for children who don’t grow up in their birth families, many of these memories and their context can be lost. Poet Lemn Sissay wrote:
Memories in care are slippery because there’s no one to recall them as the years pass. In a few months I would be in a different home with a different set of people who had no idea of this moment … This is how you become invisible.
Life story books are a way to help adopted children understand their past and where they come from. The books should include information about birth family, when the child was born, previous foster carers and why they were adopted, as well as information about the here and now to help the child start and end their story in a place of safety. My job is to help families write and use these books.
Life story books are a statutory requirement in England and Wales, and it is well evidenced that they are crucial for helping adopted children make sense of their past and who they are. However, as child protection social workers frequently manage large, complex caseloads, these books are often not prioritised. In July 2019, Adoption UK’s adoption barometer found that 27% of new adopters felt they had not been given all the information they needed about their child or children; 46% of new adopters did not receive their child’s life story book on time; and 34% described their child’s life story materials as inadequate.
Other studies by Bristol University and Coram described books as being poor quality and found adopters lack support in how to share the information sensitively with their adopted children. Not having good information can be devastating, to the point of an adoption breaking down.
Sharing Stories was set up three years ago by specialist voluntary agency CCS Adoption to address this gap. Staffed by two experienced social workers, we are dedicated to gathering life story information, writing books and supporting adopters.
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Separate from the court process, we can spend time with a wide range of birth family members gathering information, pictures, objects and anything else they want to share. We then co-write the life story book alongside the adopters so they can have input into language and feel ownership of the book.
Most children, if they get a book, tend to get just one but occasionally multiple stories are written, which can be used at different ages.
Charlie’s adoptive mum said of his books: “I’ve cried a fair bit reading it. You’ve dealt with the sensitive issues so well, thank you for the time and care you’ve put into researching all the details and describing hard truths in a gentle way. It is so reassuring and helpful to know that we have a tool that can help us with an earlier age as well as the more detailed one for when he can understand things on a deeper level.”
Children deserve the very best life story work, and this means dedicating the necessary resources to every single child. As Charlie’s social worker commented: “Your work highlights how much time and effort it takes and how much these babies are worth it!”
* Names and identifying details have been changed
• Hannah Walker, a qualified social worker, is a life story book worker
