How to deal when parents-in-law pressure you to have children
Relate & Date: Married life in Asian cultures carries an expectation of immediate parenthood, which can result in considerable pressure on newlyweds.
Just like the old childhood rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, the expectation for married couples to have children soon after tying the knot is deeply ingrained in many cultures, particularly in the context of Asian families.
This close-knit familial dynamic often nurtures strong bonds but can also lead to a unique set of challenges, including the pressure on newlyweds to have children.
Understanding the expectations
*Jeffrey, a 52-year-old writer and editor has been married to his wife, *Tessa, for 10 years. He says he faced a lot of pressure from his in-laws, particularly in the early years of their marriage.
This pressure was compounded by Tessa's being the first of five children to marry, a situation that heightened the expectations placed upon them.
“There is an expectation from Filipino parents that their daughters will have kids on their own,” Jeffrey shares. “Whenever we visited her family, her mother would take me aside to ask when we were planning to have kids. Her father, who spoke his mind more freely, would express bewilderment that we still had not had children a couple of years after getting married.”
It was not for lack of trying, however.
“Both of us were quite keen to try for children in the earlier stages of our marriage, but she was 39 when we got married and I am four years older, so biologically speaking, it was always likely to be complicated,” Jeffrey explains.
There is an expectation from Filipino parents that their daughters will have kids on their own.
For other couples like *Aidan and *Jamie, aged 42 and 35 respectively, the choice not to have children was a mutual decision, citing the cost of raising children in Singapore and the lifelong commitment required for parenthood as some of the reasons.
“Even before getting married [three years ago], we decided that it’s too costly to raise kids in Singapore,” Aidan shares. “It also requires a lifetime of commitment, which we weren’t willing to take on.”
In Aidan’s case, the pressure from his in-laws was a bit more subtle.
“Whenever we meet them, they would try to convince me on the benefits of having children – having someone to take care of you when you are old, feeling a sense of achievement when you see your child grow up – but I am just not convinced,” he says.
While the intentions behind the pressure to have children are generally well-meaning, the impact on couples can be significant. It can lead to stress, tension and even strained relationships. Some couples may feel rushed or unprepared for parenthood, leading to emotional and financial strain. This is why it’s important to work together as a team to fend off any unwanted pressure.
Navigating the pressure: Nurturing respectful boundaries
Honest conversations are the foundation of any healthy relationship, and this extends to the relationship you have with their in-laws. Openly communicating feelings, fears, and plans regarding parenthood, along with educating them about shifting societal norms and the complexities of modern living, can help foster empathy and reduce unrealistic expectations.
“Whenever my in-laws try to persuade us to have kids, I would explain our perspective to them and hope they understand,” Aidan says. “My wife and I are happy just enjoying each other’s company and external pressure is unlikely to change our minds.”
“I tried to put [the pressure] to the back of my mind, which wasn't always easy when I was getting unsubtle reminders on my Facebook page in Tagalog from certain in-laws that we needed to produce an apo (grandchild),” Jeffrey says with a laugh. “But I'm quite a pragmatic person, and so if it turned out that for biological reasons, we were unable to go forth and multiply, then I felt we would just have to accept it, and so would they.”
Whenever my in-laws try to persuade us to have kids, I would explain our perspective to them and hope they understand.
While open communication is important, it’s also crucial to set clear boundaries. Acknowledging the importance of tradition and family values and expressing gratitude for their concern while, at the same time, gently (but firmly) asserting your personal choices and timelines.
“We just dealt with the pressure as and when it arose, and hoped Tessa’s siblings would have children on their own so as to divert attention away from us, and eventually they did,” Jeffrey shares.
Balancing the desires of one’s family with personal aspirations is a delicate process but by engaging in open dialogue and learning to set healthy boundaries, you and your partner can navigate this challenging situation together while maintaining strong family ties.
Check out more relationship stories here.
(*Names have been changed and details have been modified upon request.)
Do you have a story tip? Email: sgnews.tips@yahooinc.com.
You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and Twitter. Also check out our Southeast Asia, Food, and Gaming channels on YouTube.
