My husband watches porn during sex. It makes me feel useless and unattractive

My husband and I have been married for 31 years. We have an active sex life (four to five times a week) but I am feeling serious resentment towards him. Quite honestly, I am disgusted by him at times. He seems unable to orgasm through vaginal sex, and can also only reach a climax with porn turned on, which I don’t like. No matter how much we discuss this or I explain my hurt, he continues to do it anyway. I feel useless and no longer attractive. I’m not an eyesore of a person. I’m damn hot for 51! What is wrong with him/me?

I imagine that the impasse you are experiencing with your husband is not limited to sexual situations. Communication has become difficult and you are engaged in a power struggle. It is understandable that you feel angry and have a great deal of resentment towards him – which in itself will lower your desire for him. Your self-esteem is also suffering and no one likes to be ignored, so couples counselling with a good therapist who is knowledgable about sex therapy is going to be your best chance to have a more palatable relationship. You may be tempted to give him an ultimatum to let him know you are serious about getting help as the only way to save your marriage … but make sure you are ready for either consequence.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.