I have never been able to climax during sex. Is my masturbation style to blame?

I am an 18-year-old man and recently lost my virginity. I have been sexually active with the same girl since. I have never been able to ejaculate during sex, even though it has been great for both of us. I decided to research the issue and now believe it has something to do with my masturbation style, which is typically pretty fast, and unrealistic to replicate during sex. Is there was any way for me to change this, to make the sex more enjoyable for me?

You are right in thinking that a person’s masturbation style can affect their ability to engage successfully in partner sex. I am assuming you mean that you believe you would need to thrust very rapidly to ejaculate? Fortunately, a person’s sexual response is something that can be changed and developed. You must be patient. First, practise slowing down during masturbation. When you are with your girlfriend, try not to be anxious about finishing. Instead, focus on the pleasure you can both experience. Instead of being afraid of how you are “performing” try to enjoy the present moment, and focus on giving her pleasure. Ask her what she enjoys and practise those sexual skills. You are at the very beginning of your shared sexual journey: allow yourself to take the time you need to become a satisfied and satisfying lover.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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