Women are facing lockdown with their abusers – if I was still living with mine, I’m not sure I’d still be alive

*This article includes descriptions of physical and sexual assault*

As more countries have gone into lockdown, and incidents of domestic violence have risen, I have watched in horror and replayed, every night, one of the worst experiences I endured at the hands of my ex-partner.

I was watching TV on what felt like a “safe” night: I had done nothing to upset him, he wasn’t drinking, and his family were there. He came into the room and handed me my phone, which he always checked. He had a smile on his face but his eyes burned with rage as he told me to check my messages, then follow him outside. I felt the familiar mix of nausea and panic as I desperately tried to figure out what had set him off. And there it was: a jokey text from a male friend I had known for years and saw as a little brother. I took a breath and went to see what my punishment was going to be.

That night I was seriously physically and sexually assaulted. He broke me so completely I wanted to commit suicide, searching for a weapon to use on myself, as I knew it would be futile using it on him. He had taken me outside to beat me – a dark set of garages he knew would be empty – and thank god he did. Because it was the coming and going, the fight that started outside and moved inside, that drew the attention of neighbours. They called the police, and while he was trying to make them go away I was able to find my phone and call my friend to rescue me.

I managed to get out of the house, although to this day I can’t work out why the police didn’t take me with them. My friend didn’t know my town, but she flagged down a friendly taxi driver who helped her navigate my incoherent rambling. She took me to A&E to get my face X-rayed for fractures, and then back to her home where her family took care of me until I finally slept.

Reports from China confirmed what many women feared would happen: abuse went up threefold as victims were locked in, unable to travel and reach safety. As the pandemic swept through Europe, so did the violence and now we are starting to hear the first reports from the UK. Refuge workers are not considered “key workers”, so are battling to keep their services running. Childline, meanwhile, is seeing a huge rise in calls, and nine women and children have already died in a number of killings. For many of us, home is the most dangerous place to be.

I replay that night now, imagining what could have happened if we were in lockdown. His family didn’t bat an eye, the neighbours couldn’t hear my screams from inside, my friend’s family were vulnerable (her Dad had MS) so she couldn’t have taken me in, and I would never have burdened the NHS for something I then considered so “small”. He would have continued to terrorise me, and there would have been no one to stop him.

I truly believe that after a few weeks stuck inside with no work, living on top of each other, I would have been dead. I don’t say that lightly. I say it with absolute conviction because the man I “loved” would whisper to me every night before bed: “If you step out of line, I will kill you. If you try to leave me, I will kill you”. He would wrap his hands around my throat as he said it, and I would answer him, as instructed: “I know.”

When I see men like Billy Joe Saunders “joke” about how to beat your wife properly, I know that my ex would have loved it, and then used what he learned on me. When I see hundreds of people laughing at a video of a man “prepared for quarantine” with his wife tied and gagged in a cupboard, I want to scream that this is not a joke. That woman was me.

I’m lucky: my friend was my lifeline and she took the right steps to get me out and safe. Over 10 years later, I can finally speak about what happened. I joined the Women’s Equality Party (WE) and I discovered my power.

I found a group of women who understood, who believed me, and who are fighting to make sure this doesn’t happen to our daughters, our sisters, our friends and our mothers. In a world where speaking out on women’s issues means you get trolled, threatened, belittled or gaslighted, WE stands tall and determined.

WE are campaigning to ensure Domestic Violence Protection Orders span the full lockdown period and provide emergency funding for women’s refuge services. Please support that campaign. It will save lives like mine.

F V Papworth is a systems analyst and an officer for Lambeth Women’s Equality Party

Anyone who requires help or support can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is open 24/7 365 days per year on 0808 2000 247 or via the website nationaldahelpline.org.uk​

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