I walked away from an abusive relationship and never looked back

My name is *Dan. I'm a 35-year-old lawyer working in a boutique law firm specialising in mergers and acquisitions. This is how I found my way out of a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship.

I was 27, navigating a dry spell in my romantic life that lasted five long years, when *Gemma entered the scene. She was magnetic, with a towering presence, an enviable figure, and a smile that could light up the room. Her attention made me feel noticed, desired even, and I was hooked.

The first red flag

Looking back, the red flags were there from the beginning.

At the time when we met, she was still in a relationship with another guy but she dumped him to get together with me.

Reflecting now, that move should've raised my guard, but I was so excited about the prospect of being in a relationship that I ignored the nagging voice in my head.

We quickly fell into a whirlwind romance, spending every moment together and messaging incessantly. I finally felt the void of loneliness filled.

However, the honeymoon phase didn't last long. About three months into our relationship, Gemma started showing her true colours.

One evening, over dinner, during a casual conversation about meeting old school friends, Gemma went ballistic when she found out they were women. Accusations of infidelity and distrust flew in the restaurant as she branded me a philanderer. I realised later that was a trait she attributed to all men due to her previous experiences with cheating partners in the past.

I was hurt and angry that she was tarring me with the same brush. Not only were my friends like sisters to me, I would never even dream of cheating on Gemma. I was upset that I was being accused of something I would never do.

That big fight was just the beginning of her controlling behaviour. The alarm bells that rang when we first got together started sounding again in my head but I foolishly thought I could “help” Gemma overcome her insecurities and build a normal, stable and happy relationship.

How wrong I was.

A toxic cycle of control and manipulation

Over the next few months, Gemma became increasingly controlling. She constantly demanded my whereabouts, and any perceived delay in responding triggered an avalanche of calls and texts until I answered the phone.

Once, I was in a client meeting and could not answer her calls. When I finally got out of the meeting room, I saw that I had over 40 missed calls from her. Any sane person reading this would be wondering why I didn’t call it quits there and then, but if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship, you’ll know how it feels like you’re going in a circle, repeating the same patterns over and over again.

Every fight was followed by a tearful reconciliation. Gemma would always promise to do better and change, Things would be calm, we would be talking and joking around like nothing happened… only for the next trigger to be set off and the whole cycle would start again.

Gemma's main trigger was my time with others, particularly women, instead of her. This led me to isolate myself from my friends. I even gave up tennis and swimming, hobbies that I loved, to appease her hate for sports as she didn’t want me to do anything without her.

By our first anniversary, I was a mere shell of the person I used to be. I used to be an extrovert who enjoyed meeting new people, hanging out with friends and trying new experiences. However, apart from work, I was now spending all my time with her.

Yet, it seems never enough.

Gemma would always find something to nitpick – my clothes sucked, my date ideas were bad, even the way I breathed would annoy her.

Recognising the abuse and finding strength

Looking back, I can see how Gemma isolating me from other people in my life was a calculated move and a classic abuse tactic. By controlling my social circle, it became so much easier for her to control my behaviour. Without that strong connection to my friends, I also became increasingly dependent on her for companionship and my emotional needs.

Despite the isolation, my friends never stopped reaching out. They would text me to check in on me and on the rare occasions I managed to meet them for drinks (and share what was going on in my relationship), they would urge me to break things off.

It’s not as if I didn’t try to break up with Gemma before but each time I attempted to end the relationship, she would cry hysterically and threaten to kill herself. She would say how I am the only person she could depend on in this world and if I left, she would have nothing to live for.

Even then, I knew emotional blackmail was another hallmark trait of an abuser but I didn’t have the courage to leave lest she really went off the rails and hurt herself. By the time our second year together rolled around, I felt trapped, convinced that this was my lot in life and perhaps I was just “fated” to take care of her my whole life.

The turning point

Approaching our two-and-a-half-year mark, a series of events jolted me awake.

First, my grandpa – whom I was very close to – passed away. I was devastated and desperately needed a shoulder to lean on. Gemma's lack of empathy during my grief amplified my sorrow. Not only did she not offer any comfort, she did not even bother attending the wake. “Funerals creep me out,” was her only excuse. I was too distraught to confront her but her nonchalance to my pain only intensified the hurt I was feeling.

Shortly after, I injured my back while helping my dad clear out my grandpa’s apartment. We were trying to shift an extremely heavy hospital bed up a flight of stairs and it triggered an old back injury.

I was bedridden for weeks and during that time, Gemma refused to visit me because she “didn’t want to see my family” (who’d previously made it clear they didn’t approve of her).

These events, coupled with reading about abusive relationships, opened my eyes. I finally started seeing the truth. I realised I was in a toxic relationship that was slowly destroying me and needed to escape for my own sanity.

I knew I could not go on like this – I was deeply unhappy and stressed out, and continuing this relationship would just lead me to spiral into depression. In fact, I think I was already depressed at that stage.

Breaking free and finding true happiness

I wrote Gemma a long message and told her I was leaving her. It was only then that she finally showed up at my door. As expected, she cycled through her usual tricks – crying, apologising, begging me to stay – and when that didn’t work, she again threatened to kill herself.

However, my mind was made up and nothing she said moved me. Finally, after hours of her ranting and raving, she finally left my apartment.

In the first few days after our breakup, Gemma would send me long texts and emails, alternating between begging for another chance to hurling abuse at me for breaking up with her. I mostly deleted her messages without reading them. Something had changed in me and I was no longer susceptible to her manipulation.

Eventually, after a few weeks, her messages petered out and I felt like I could finally breathe again. I started reconnecting with my friends and rediscovered the things I enjoyed, and it felt like I was finally waking up from a very long and terrible nightmare.

I felt a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years.

It’s now been five years since Gemma and I broke up and I’m now happily married to a wonderful woman I met on a dating app.

Even though my relationship with Gemma was a horrible experience, I count myself lucky that I managed to get out.

From all the articles on toxic relationships that I’ve read, I know not many abuse victims are as lucky.

Since then, I’ve been very open about my experience in the hopes that it might resonate with someone in a similar situation and they would be able to seek help much sooner than I did.

(*Names have been changed and details have been modified upon request.)

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